I forget how to post on here...BUT I need to!

This is a photo of my oldest daugher, Joy, taken a few months ago.

This same daughter who VERY sweetly and sincerely look at me

this evening during bedtime tuck in and said the following

LIFE CHANGING WORDS:

"Mommy, I want to look just like you! Do you think I could

ever look like you momma? I want to be just like my mommy!

Can I momma? Can I look like you? Can I be like you?"

YIKES!!!

First off, I know she is only 4 and she meant it to be a very sweet

moment and show her love. I get that. I get that she, in her loving

four year old heart and mind, really thinks I am beautiful! And

down right amazing! BUT....

She wants to be like me?!?!?!

The me who is OVER 300lbs as I write this post?

The me who cries at least a few times most days because I am so

overweight and in so much pain that basic tasks hurt me to tears?

The me who is out of breath just trying to climb the stairs to tuck

in my children.

The me who fights the fears of so many what ifs...

What if I need to rush to my kids and my fat ole body can't do it..

and I can't rescue them.... (don't give me the endorphin crap either

there is just so fast this much fat can run regardless...trust me..I know!)

What if....my husband is amazing but he cannot raise them alone....

What if ALL my hair falls out because PCOS and hormone imbalances

are WRECKING ME!!!

What if what if what if.....

She can NOT be like this me!!!

She needs to be the me I should be!!

The me I dream of being....

The me I'd be proud and happy to see her be!!!

I heard something else that has been weighing heavily on me as well....

What do I want to be remembered for??????

I don't want to be rememeber for ANY of that junk! It took me a bit to think of things I DO want to be remembered for.... sadly it took me quite some time:

I want to be remembered as a woman of strong faith who NEVER let the enemy walk all over her. Who stood firm in her faith through EVERY storm life brought her way. Who loved her husband the way God ordained and he deserved! Who not only cared for and loved her children but who RAN with them. Who was so full of life and energy that it was contagious and her children caught on and carry it too. Who knew how to balance being a wife/homeschooling momma of 5/housekeeper/small business owner/daughter/sister etc....and STILL kept God first and had time to get and stay healthy!!!

Those are a LOT better....

So....fresh start #7689 here I come...

I will leave a legacy I am proud of!!!!

Seriously need HELP!?!?!? I hate being fat but....

I just can't seem to shake it! I stick with a plan a few days and do great and than POOF....
I fall and fall hard....

Hello binge my old enemy!! Oh you brought sugar with you? GREAT you two are my all time favorites.........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


I heard (and was reminded) that we get addicted to sugar like drug addicts get hooked on drugs. WOW that still amazes me! But it does fill a void and give a sort of "high" so it makes sense. And I HATE that is makes sense.

I have PCOS and a list of other freakin issues...my hair is getting thinner daily and I HATE IT! I have just about zero muscle tone left after my 3 back to back babies and I have NO energy.

I HATE IT!!

I know that wisdom, and lots of research, say that I should cut out ALL sugar and lower my carbs and EXERCISE....but I seem to be scared or something.....why?

Am I more scared to actually find the healthy me or scare to lose who I've been for my ENTIRE life? Scared to fail....again?

I should be more scared of dying young, going bald, never having another baby, leaving my babies behind when they need me, heart attacks, etc....but I seem to have a root issue that I've not yet figured out.

So...I wait...and stall and that's STUPID!

My house will be cleaned before monday and ALL UNPACKED and I will be working out! And I WILL get all my water in daily!

I will NOT be so afraid to live that I kill myself with my eating and lazy lifestyle! NOPE!!

Onward....

YIKES TOM is horrible and my weigh in....New GOALS! :)

First the Weigh in....

I lost...hmmmm weight!

LOL I have no idea how much though.

I actually forget...it was 1lb I think!

Which is freaking AMAZING given that I am, well, ya know...

not enjoying this "time of the month" to put it nicely! heehee

And my eating was horrible a few days and great a few others

and I only worked out...hmm I think ONCE!

I am blessed I didn't gain 10 like I would normally.

Onward to my new goals!

It is a pretty exhausting and discouraging task to try to lose:

POUNDS

All too often I get discouraged because my eyes are focused on the BIG picture and not the next step. So...I'm DONE doing that! Yupper...DONE!

I heard a quote recently, the woman was talking about having to walk up a very steep hill EVERY day with her young kids after a long day of working on her feet. She said that when she looked up at how steep that hill was and how much further she had to climb...she felt exhuasted and hopeless about reaching the top...EVERY DAY! BUT she realized that if she looked down and focused on ONLY the NEXT STEP she didn't even realize it was a hill she was climbing and before long...she was at the top! WOOHOOOOOO!!!

So...I am going to work on looking for/at my next steps and not at the mountain I am climbing!

I'm breaking my mountain into 10 pound hills! 15 of them or so! :) (from highest I reckon...the details will be adjusted as the finish draws nearer)

pounds.........15.....times!

I've lost 10lbs so many times in my life I KNOW I can do that! :)

Than I'll just do it a few more times!!!

I am going to update my sidebar as often as I remember (weighty facts) and keep track of my progress a bit differently. As of today: July 26th I am 6lbs into my first 10!

And there ya have it!

Oh yeah..I did it..and it felt GREAT!!!

This is NOT from today but a past workout where, if you look closely cause it's not the best shot and my child took it, you can see the SWEAT marks!! WOOHOOO I think I'll start taking photos of sweat every time!! :) I feel like I've done a good job burning fat when I have buckets of water on myself! :) WOOHOOO!

SO.....I worked out!! Yup...I did! For 65 minutes and my good ole heart rate monitor said 800 calories!! WOOHOOOO!

I felt GRRRRRRRRRRRREEAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT!

Ate great...even with PMS starting to rear it's UGLY self!!!!

Onward.... :)

WOW! And...HELP!?!?! I need to EXERCISE!?!?!

I did it!!!

I ate WELL today!

Yup..I did!

And I'm PROUD!!!

Now, just the rest of my life to go! :)

___________________________________________________________________

VENTING/QUESTIONS:

I seem to be afraid to EXERCISE!!! Not at all sure why...... ideas???

Is it because I feel like this lady above when I do???? Or fear I'll always look like her REGARDLESS?

Is it because I know it works? Am I one of those people who is afraid to be FIT and NOT fat??? The fear of the unknown sadly stops so many of us from reaching our dreams...

Is it because I really have NO TIME??? Afterall, I am sitting here typing this blog so how little time do I really have????? Hmmmm...never thought about that before!!?!?! UH OH!!!

I know night time isn't the best time to workout...but isn't it better than not working out? And the stupid fibromyalgia pain/joint pain etc...MAN does that make mornings hard...BUT wouldn't it make them better if I got up and did LIGHT exercise???? GRRRRR

I take care of 7 people ALL day...(counting myself). I homeschool the kids, cook, clean, teach, correct, love, nuture, play, cook, clean etc...most my days start at 7am and end at 1am. YIKES and in there I do NOT sleep well 90% of the time. (my husband doesn't get home from work till after 11:15pm most nights and try as I may...I can't seem to sleep when he's not here) And the kids get up early. There are days when the fibro pain is so bad my hubby lets me sleep in...GOD BLESS HIM!!! But most days...it's UP and at em!

I want to get up at 6 or ever sooner but to do that I have to get to sleep earlier! BUT I'm busy when the kids go to sleep. Grading, cleaning, detoxing from stress...and if I workout late...I can't get to sleep at night...ohhh and there is the baby...she's just starting to fuss to eat. Which is NEVER the same time every evening....

::::BIG SIGH:::::

I will do this!!!!

The end....

Weigh in and more before photos...

Weigh In: -3lbs

Wonder how many times I've lost that 3lbs?

Oh well...it's gone again and I pray

it NEVER comes back!

A huge motivating photo!

(no pun intended)

That's my butt yesterday at the playground....YIKES!

I hate that I can't, YET, go down slides with my kids...so got the idea to have my wonderful husband take this embarrassing photo so I could see what I'm up against! So...that photo, is indeed, my butt, backed up to the top of the slide I didn't (but WILL) go down yesterday.

I have a few more photos but I can't get them to load properly to this page so I am going to try to add them to my page (labeled on top of this) that has my photos. IF I can figure it out.

Horrible fibromyalgia pain day today....OUCH!!!!!!!! My husband called in so he can help with the kids and I can RECOVER..and pray it's better tomorrow!

Eating has been great today...water a bit low...will work on that!

Off to try to load photos...

:( UGH I sooo hate morbid obese nonsense!!!

THIS is 100 pounds of FAT

This is what I have ALL over my body...

x 1.5

Yup....

I could safely lose 150lbs and be a great weight.

WHAT????!?!?!?!?!?

Each one of those HUGE pigs weighs 150ish pounds!!

I am almost TWO of them!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!

I could safely lose almost 17 GALLONS of MILK!!!

(each weighing 9lbs last I knew)

How did I get like this and why the heck does it continue????

I hate that cycle! I'm depressed that I'm fat so...

I eat....getting FATTER...

which makes me more depressed that I'm fat so....

I eat...

SEE???? It's soooo horrible!

What slow depressing public death!

What a horrible loud screaming voice without words saying:

"I have NO idea how to use self control"

"I like food better than running with my kids"

"I'm LAZY"

I have issues!!!

My kids have been increasingly sad by my lack of ability to play on playground equipment. They don't outright say it, but their sad eyes do. The way my oldest child knows not to even ask mommy to go down the slide with him. :(

The other day, my self conscience fears stopped me from getting in a small family pool at my moms with JUST my family. I watched, while holding my baby who was my excuse at the time to not join in, and my eyes filled with tears...I want to do that!!!!!! I want to hop in the pool, without fearing anybody seeing me. I want to play with my kids in the water and feel comfortable! I want to share those moments of joy with them. Help them beat fear and learn to swim without being on the sidelines... :(

But I can't seem to stick with ANYTHING...and I know that my life pretty much depends on it.

I know......

So I cry.....