I forget how to post on here...BUT I need to!

This is a photo of my oldest daugher, Joy, taken a few months ago.

This same daughter who VERY sweetly and sincerely look at me

this evening during bedtime tuck in and said the following

LIFE CHANGING WORDS:

"Mommy, I want to look just like you! Do you think I could

ever look like you momma? I want to be just like my mommy!

Can I momma? Can I look like you? Can I be like you?"

YIKES!!!

First off, I know she is only 4 and she meant it to be a very sweet

moment and show her love. I get that. I get that she, in her loving

four year old heart and mind, really thinks I am beautiful! And

down right amazing! BUT....

She wants to be like me?!?!?!

The me who is OVER 300lbs as I write this post?

The me who cries at least a few times most days because I am so

overweight and in so much pain that basic tasks hurt me to tears?

The me who is out of breath just trying to climb the stairs to tuck

in my children.

The me who fights the fears of so many what ifs...

What if I need to rush to my kids and my fat ole body can't do it..

and I can't rescue them.... (don't give me the endorphin crap either

there is just so fast this much fat can run regardless...trust me..I know!)

What if....my husband is amazing but he cannot raise them alone....

What if ALL my hair falls out because PCOS and hormone imbalances

are WRECKING ME!!!

What if what if what if.....

She can NOT be like this me!!!

She needs to be the me I should be!!

The me I dream of being....

The me I'd be proud and happy to see her be!!!

I heard something else that has been weighing heavily on me as well....

What do I want to be remembered for??????

I don't want to be rememeber for ANY of that junk! It took me a bit to think of things I DO want to be remembered for.... sadly it took me quite some time:

I want to be remembered as a woman of strong faith who NEVER let the enemy walk all over her. Who stood firm in her faith through EVERY storm life brought her way. Who loved her husband the way God ordained and he deserved! Who not only cared for and loved her children but who RAN with them. Who was so full of life and energy that it was contagious and her children caught on and carry it too. Who knew how to balance being a wife/homeschooling momma of 5/housekeeper/small business owner/daughter/sister etc....and STILL kept God first and had time to get and stay healthy!!!

Those are a LOT better....

So....fresh start #7689 here I come...

I will leave a legacy I am proud of!!!!

WEIGH IN #12 (OH I am a HAPPY GIRL!!!)And various stuff

Weigh in #12

- 3.5 lbs!!!

WOW!!!

That brings my total to 24.5 lbs gone THIS year!

WOW!

That's 6.5lbs more than my 6month old!

I am quite happy with that! Sure, it's not "biggest loser" style but it's REAL and shows my hardwork, while living a normal life, is paying off! LOVE IT!!!

-24.5lbs and -30 INCHES! So far so good!!!

I am so glad I didn't give up when I gained that half a pound last week! I was so tempted to just forget it! This is seriously a hard thing even though I've been faithful with it 98% of the past 12weeks, it's still not EASY.

Will it ever be?

Will I ever not find myself wanting to sneak bites and snacks? Will I ever see an amazing cake and not feel a strong almost uncontrolable (sometimes uncontrolable) urge to eat it? Will I ever EAT to LIVE and NOT live to eat??? Only time will tell....but I've gotten better at it! Yup, I sure have! :)

I've been following the Daniel Fast for 6days (day 6 is ending as I type) and my o my has it been a change. I feel like I am really learning how to control my eating and my choices while I am doing this so that's a bonus. Sadly, I still feel that when this fast is over, I will still be pulled toward those bad habits that left me MORBIDly obese to begin with. But I am praying and walking this out one day at a time.

If you've had a bad week or a bad weigh in (or 2+bad weeks or weigh ins etc) please know that if I can do this, you can! I am 32 years old and 90% of my life I've eaten GARBAGE and my body showed it! But I am so glad to be going down in clothing sizes, inches, pounds and going up in energy, hope, health etc. That it's worth it.

Do I still want some foods so badly they bring me to tears resisting them, some times. Do I still want to stop by the bakery and treat myself to a comforting muffin or cookie? Sometimes, especially on days like today when my kids (who are amazing and adorable and I love beyond words) were sooooooooo hard to deal with! I'd love a cup of coffee and a big ole brownie!! But in the end, that brownie will NOT help me deal with my kids.

A great quote I've read online for such a thing is "If hunger isn't your problem, than food is not your answer" GREAT!!! Even when it feels like food is the answer. The answer to your stress, worry, fear, tiredness, etc, bad foods will actually make all of that worse! Don't DO IT!

Find some other way to deal, for me, I cry out to Jesus! Drink a hot cup of herbal tea, decaf coffee, read a book, hide in the bathroom a few minutes, youtube an old favorite song, repeat scriptures I've memorized etc. There are ways! You (and I) deserve to be healthy and strong and not die young because we made stupid eating choices.

I, for one, do not want my tombstone to read " Here Lays FatGirl she lived she ate a lot and she died" ummm NO!!! There is so much more to life and I will LIVE IT!

So, woohoooo for my amazing weigh and onward I go!

You coming? :)

Started a 2nd blog about my "Faith Vs. Fat"

I think it's under my profile information :)
I am new so not sure...

it's www.faithvsfat.blogspot.com

This blog will continue to have my stats and info on my weight loss and that one will be the heart of the matter behind the journey :)

Overdo Weigh In results and measurements taken!! :)

Weigh in Results for Week 12 = UP .5 lbs

YUP...I gained! YUCK

BUT:

I know that I didn't gain FAT!

See it's mathmatically not possible...nope it's not! I burned OVER 3800 calories and ate VERY well within my ranges. 3500 calories equal ONE pound so I burned at least one pound and ate within ranges. BUT I did eat a lot of high sodium foods and I hadn't had a bowel movement in days! So..I tracked the +.5 and tried to move on....TRIED!

It seems that somehow the gain and the sugar I allowed myself (within my calorie range) triggered a beast of eating again! UGH! I didn't "binge" the old way but I surely binged! It started slowly and kept on sliding doooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwnnnnnn hill! Friday was Weigh and I ate my normal salty high calorie foods for the week...but it didn't stop there. Saturday I hate HORRIBLY and felt so sick! I don't even really remember much of what I ate. Sad but true! I know I snuck food for the first time in MONTHS! :(

Sneak/secret eating is sooooo bad! It's horrible to know what you're doing is killing you and adding to the fat you're fighting and then do it anyway. I tried very hard to love the big ole donut I was eating the store parking lot before going home. I tried! But know matter what, I knew better!

I was picturing all the time I'd have to spend on my elliptical to burn it off, remembering all the hours of hard work I've put in etc...and I was so sad and heavy hearted but I ate it anyway!!!

Why? I don't really know...but I own it. I did it! And I hate it! But I hadn't done it for months till then and God willing, I won't do it again!

So the good news.... I took my monthly measurements! I checked and over the course of the last month, with ups and downs on the scale, I'm only down 2.5lbs or so. WHAT?!?!? BUT I lost 12.5 INCHES!!! In a month!!! WOOHOOO!!!

12.5 INCHES in one month!!! I'm so happy!

I did further math and it seems I have lost 30 INCHES since January 1st this year! WOW!!!!

What does that mean? That means I will NOT let a seemingly bad week on the scale RUIN my healthy lifestyle! I am likely bulking up my muscles and therefore the scale will look up and down from time to time but I'm SHRINKING!!! The tape measure doesn't lie!!!

So onward I go!!!

WEIGH IN and Pictures to help VISUALIZE :)

WEIGH IN #10

I lost 2 POUNDS!!!

Which is 8 Sticks of BUTTER!!!

See:

I'm quite content with that!


It beats getting fatter!

Speaking of getting fatter, I found some photos to show other amounts of fat and O-M-G it's DISGUSTING!!! (to date, since Jan.1st 2010, I've lost 21.5lbs) Wanna see??

Now, as proud and happy as I am that I no longer have THAT on my body, around my heart, squeezing my organs, etc. I still have to lose 100+lbs....see?

GROSS

I'm learning not to dispise small steps that lead to large rewards! I could have weight loss surgery and lose faster BUT I wouldn't be learning so much AND I'd likely have to lose a gall bladder etc. (I am not against WLS but it's not for me right now) I've set aside this year, God willing, to seriously attack the fat on my body with ALL I have in me. Should I fail, which is NOT an option, I will look into surgery. This fat is killing me so I'm kicking it out!

NSV aka "Non-Scale Victories" have been really fun lately!
-My size 24's are all getting way too big!
-ALL my 22's fit GREAT!
-MY 20's are up and should be buttoned in 10lbs or so.
-My wedding rings are now able to get past my knuckle and ALMOST on! (huge goal for me is to wear them by my anniversary in July)
Etc.

So onward I go!

OH OH OH OH

Can't forget to make an annoucement

that I have not only reached my first 20lbs lost

goal this week but blew by it with 21.5 total lost so far!

WOOOOOHOOOOOO!

I'm buying a necklace!

My reward chart (that I made) says so!

Next goal is to beat a buddy to 279 AND

to get my 10% reward! (273.6 I think)

YIPPPEEE!!!!

To GOD be the GLORY! I couldn't do this without HIM!!!

Another day fightin' the fat! (and how do I post pics that don't all go to the top??)

Being a mom with 4 young kids, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, being a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister....is EXHAUSTING! Add to that the JOB of getting fit and I'm sooooo tired! Sincerely, tired! I am forcing myself to TAKE/MAKE time for me and it's really one of the hardest habits to learn. I know full well how to take care of my husband, children, friends, etc. But actually saying "ok, I'm going to go turn on my MP3 player and workout for the hour, please see daddy for help and questions" is VERY hard. I feel like a crappy mom taking time away from everything else just for me. But if I don't I look like this:

The good news is, the more I take/make ME TIME, the better I feel. Overall, not every day. But I have more energy, more passion, more zeal! I have more of life to live and to give! AMAZING! I am teaching my children how to live long healthy lives and to serve God at the same time. I am teaching them that miracles do happen...IE: I am not getting fatter!! LOL

The old me, was teaching them to sit, stuff food, watch tv, avoid a number of public settings, self hatred, how to get heart disease, how to...well you get the picture! I was 318lbs at my highest memorable weight. And being that I am only 5'5...that ain't right! Heck, I'd have to be 7ft tall to come close to making that look good!

A little more about who I am, I fight with fibromyalgia, chronic pain, TMJ, heel spurs and a list of other nonsense that being fat sure didn't help or has caused. My knees are down right angry with me because they've been carrying my stinkin' oversized back side for too many years. My heels think I'm stupid for asking so much of them, my back...oh my oh my I won't even go there.

BUT, it's all getting better! One prayer, one healthy choice at a time and I improve daily!

Do I always feel like I'm improving? uhhhh NO!!! But do I know, deep in my heart, that picking the apple over the french fries will improve my life...Yupper! I sure do! So I press on!

I am far from perfect, I will never have a perfect body or perfectly clean house, BUT I can WILL have peace knowing that I've been trying my best and living to the fullest!!! The rest, is just details!