Friday, March 18, 2011

I forget how to post on here...BUT I need to!

This is a photo of my oldest daugher, Joy, taken a few months ago.
This same daughter who VERY sweetly and sincerely look at me
this evening during bedtime tuck in and said the following
"Mommy, I want to look just like you! Do you think I could
ever look like you momma? I want to be just like my mommy!
Can I momma? Can I look like you? Can I be like you?"
First off, I know she is only 4 and she meant it to be a very sweet
moment and show her love. I get that. I get that she, in her loving
four year old heart and mind, really thinks I am beautiful! And
down right amazing! BUT....
She wants to be like me?!?!?!
The me who is OVER 300lbs as I write this post?
The me who cries at least a few times most days because I am so
overweight and in so much pain that basic tasks hurt me to tears?
The me who is out of breath just trying to climb the stairs to tuck
in my children.
The me who fights the fears of so many what ifs...
What if I need to rush to my kids and my fat ole body can't do it..
and I can't rescue them.... (don't give me the endorphin crap either
there is just so fast this much fat can run me..I know!)
What husband is amazing but he cannot raise them alone....
What if ALL my hair falls out because PCOS and hormone imbalances
What if what if what if.....
She can NOT be like this me!!!
She needs to be the me I should be!!
The me I dream of being....
The me I'd be proud and happy to see her be!!!

I heard something else that has been weighing heavily on me as well....

What do I want to be remembered for??????

I don't want to be rememeber for ANY of that junk! It took me a bit to think of things I DO want to be remembered for.... sadly it took me quite some time:

I want to be remembered as a woman of strong faith who NEVER let the enemy walk all over her. Who stood firm in her faith through EVERY storm life brought her way. Who loved her husband the way God ordained and he deserved! Who not only cared for and loved her children but who RAN with them. Who was so full of life and energy that it was contagious and her children caught on and carry it too. Who knew how to balance being a wife/homeschooling momma of 5/housekeeper/small business owner/daughter/sister etc....and STILL kept God first and had time to get and stay healthy!!!

Those are a LOT better....

So....fresh start #7689 here I come...

I will leave a legacy I am proud of!!!!

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