There will likely be no fancy font to this post...it will likely be a lot of me venting and thinking out loud..but it's my blog...so here I go!
UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
just ugh!!!
I know I can't give up, even though I want to! I know I can't just keep putting things off! I know that it takes WORK to get unfat! I know that I've eaten enough freaking cookies for a lifetime...and most of them are still stored on my a$$! I know I can do this! I know I should do this! I know it's highly likely my living a long life depends on me doing this! I know my husband and children deserve me doing this! My entire family would breathe a sigh of relief if I did this....
You know what I just realized as I typed that? I don't actually know that I am worth it.. :(
WOW that is freaking sad......(pausing to think)
man.....this sucks!
I know I am supposed to say "I know I am worth it" I've been saying that for years! But the truth of the matter is...I really don't know that I believe that statement. Not in my core.
Don't get me wrong, I know I am important to a LOT of people and most importantly, I know the Love of Christ is for me and I receive it! BUT I've never gotten the hang of loving me...at least not for a solid year in a row...in 32 years!!! :(
I hate so much about being morbidly obese! My a$$ keeps bumping into things! My kids want me to run after them at the park and go down the slide with them! My husband longs for me to be comfortable sexual again. My mom wants to know my health is ok and will be. My grandparents, without realizing it, almost gawk at my size. :( I know all of that stuff....and I hate it! I HATE IT!!!
The end...for now
I struggle with a lot of self esteem issues, too, so I totally get it. I don't always feel worthy, but I am pissed enough at what I have allowed myself to become and am so determined not to allow my past to keep me this way into the future that that carries me through. And helps me continue until I can get the rest of it down, too. :D
ReplyDelete