:( UGH I sooo hate morbid obese nonsense!!!

THIS is 100 pounds of FAT

This is what I have ALL over my body...

x 1.5

Yup....

I could safely lose 150lbs and be a great weight.

WHAT????!?!?!?!?!?

Each one of those HUGE pigs weighs 150ish pounds!!

I am almost TWO of them!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!

I could safely lose almost 17 GALLONS of MILK!!!

(each weighing 9lbs last I knew)

How did I get like this and why the heck does it continue????

I hate that cycle! I'm depressed that I'm fat so...

I eat....getting FATTER...

which makes me more depressed that I'm fat so....

I eat...

SEE???? It's soooo horrible!

What slow depressing public death!

What a horrible loud screaming voice without words saying:

"I have NO idea how to use self control"

"I like food better than running with my kids"

"I'm LAZY"

I have issues!!!

My kids have been increasingly sad by my lack of ability to play on playground equipment. They don't outright say it, but their sad eyes do. The way my oldest child knows not to even ask mommy to go down the slide with him. :(

The other day, my self conscience fears stopped me from getting in a small family pool at my moms with JUST my family. I watched, while holding my baby who was my excuse at the time to not join in, and my eyes filled with tears...I want to do that!!!!!! I want to hop in the pool, without fearing anybody seeing me. I want to play with my kids in the water and feel comfortable! I want to share those moments of joy with them. Help them beat fear and learn to swim without being on the sidelines... :(

But I can't seem to stick with ANYTHING...and I know that my life pretty much depends on it.

I know......

So I cry.....

Why do I throw out the baby with the bath water? STUPID all or nothing attitude...sucks!

It seems I get going along pretty well with eating and working out and than.. POOF....a bad day!

Bad days can come from countless sources: too little sleep, too much pain (fibromyalgia/tooth issue etc), too much running around to do, PMS etc... but bad days happen....

So, why is it, that once I have ONE bad day I think the whole week is shot!???!!? Yup, I do! I forget all the hardwork the days before and focus on the failure that day. I give up for rest of said week...or month and beat myself up the entire time!

Why do I have such an "all or nothing" crappy attitude???

I know in my head I should just pick up, dust off and get back on track. BUT I don't do it! I allow guilt to send me to eat junk and the fact that I ate junk makes me more depressed so I eat more junk and so on and so on.... what a horrible chain reaction.

The voices that say: "see you'll never get this....don't waste the energy trying" or "you wasted all that time making sure you ate healthy and took time from your kids to exercise and now you're blowing it with that stupid cake...you suck" etc.... I know better...but that voice gets me down every freakin time!

Today, I have HORRIBLE tooth pain, VERY bad cramps (aka PMS I think...it's not been normal in ages), 5 of my kids and 1 extra, a HUGE list of paperwork to get done and mailed, a very busy Saturday which I'd rather was blank and available for couch sitting and rest....UGHHHHH I need to force myself to get a grip when all I want is some pain meds and ice cream....and a NAP!

End rant!