Thursday, July 8, 2010

:( UGH I sooo hate morbid obese nonsense!!!

THIS is 100 pounds of FAT

This is what I have ALL over my body...

x 1.5


I could safely lose 150lbs and be a great weight.


Each one of those HUGE pigs weighs 150ish pounds!!
I am almost TWO of them!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!
I could safely lose almost 17 GALLONS of MILK!!!
(each weighing 9lbs last I knew)
How did I get like this and why the heck does it continue????
I hate that cycle! I'm depressed that I'm fat so...
I eat....getting FATTER...
which makes me more depressed that I'm fat so....
I eat...
SEE???? It's soooo horrible!
What slow depressing public death!
What a horrible loud screaming voice without words saying:
"I have NO idea how to use self control"
"I like food better than running with my kids"
"I'm LAZY"
I have issues!!!
My kids have been increasingly sad by my lack of ability to play on playground equipment. They don't outright say it, but their sad eyes do. The way my oldest child knows not to even ask mommy to go down the slide with him. :(
The other day, my self conscience fears stopped me from getting in a small family pool at my moms with JUST my family. I watched, while holding my baby who was my excuse at the time to not join in, and my eyes filled with tears...I want to do that!!!!!! I want to hop in the pool, without fearing anybody seeing me. I want to play with my kids in the water and feel comfortable! I want to share those moments of joy with them. Help them beat fear and learn to swim without being on the sidelines... :(
But I can't seem to stick with ANYTHING...and I know that my life pretty much depends on it.
I know......
So I cry.....


  1. Just start. And then just carry on. Starting and losing the dependency is hard, but it it so much easier than worrying about doing nothing. I promise.

    I have walked in your shoes, I truly know how hard it is. But how you will feel so brilliant for just getting the ball moving:
    Diminishing Lucy: The True "Before and After".....

  2. I too have walked that same path. It is a slow agonizing suffering mess. I had someone tell me that they wanted me to be around for awhile longer and that along with the attached things made me turn the corner once and for all. Here is a link to what did it for me:

    Like Lucy said... just start! You don't have to achieve perfection - just progress with habits like water or exercise. You have SO MUCH to live for! It is no easy ride but I assure you it will be well worth it.

    Hang in there!

  3. I understand how you're feeling, believe me I do. Part of this journey is coming to a point where you forgive yourself and realize that you are MORE than just the number on the scale!
    No matter how much you weigh - you are a fantastic, wonderful, interesting, beautiful person. Lose the weight to be HEALTHY, and in the meantime, learn to love the great person that you are, no matter your size!

  4. Oh, how I understand. I do. I know.