Seriously need HELP!?!?!? I hate being fat but....

I just can't seem to shake it! I stick with a plan a few days and do great and than POOF....
I fall and fall hard....

Hello binge my old enemy!! Oh you brought sugar with you? GREAT you two are my all time favorites.........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


I heard (and was reminded) that we get addicted to sugar like drug addicts get hooked on drugs. WOW that still amazes me! But it does fill a void and give a sort of "high" so it makes sense. And I HATE that is makes sense.

I have PCOS and a list of other freakin issues...my hair is getting thinner daily and I HATE IT! I have just about zero muscle tone left after my 3 back to back babies and I have NO energy.

I HATE IT!!

I know that wisdom, and lots of research, say that I should cut out ALL sugar and lower my carbs and EXERCISE....but I seem to be scared or something.....why?

Am I more scared to actually find the healthy me or scare to lose who I've been for my ENTIRE life? Scared to fail....again?

I should be more scared of dying young, going bald, never having another baby, leaving my babies behind when they need me, heart attacks, etc....but I seem to have a root issue that I've not yet figured out.

So...I wait...and stall and that's STUPID!

My house will be cleaned before monday and ALL UNPACKED and I will be working out! And I WILL get all my water in daily!

I will NOT be so afraid to live that I kill myself with my eating and lazy lifestyle! NOPE!!

Onward....

:( UGH I sooo hate morbid obese nonsense!!!

THIS is 100 pounds of FAT

This is what I have ALL over my body...

x 1.5

Yup....

I could safely lose 150lbs and be a great weight.

WHAT????!?!?!?!?!?

Each one of those HUGE pigs weighs 150ish pounds!!

I am almost TWO of them!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!

I could safely lose almost 17 GALLONS of MILK!!!

(each weighing 9lbs last I knew)

How did I get like this and why the heck does it continue????

I hate that cycle! I'm depressed that I'm fat so...

I eat....getting FATTER...

which makes me more depressed that I'm fat so....

I eat...

SEE???? It's soooo horrible!

What slow depressing public death!

What a horrible loud screaming voice without words saying:

"I have NO idea how to use self control"

"I like food better than running with my kids"

"I'm LAZY"

I have issues!!!

My kids have been increasingly sad by my lack of ability to play on playground equipment. They don't outright say it, but their sad eyes do. The way my oldest child knows not to even ask mommy to go down the slide with him. :(

The other day, my self conscience fears stopped me from getting in a small family pool at my moms with JUST my family. I watched, while holding my baby who was my excuse at the time to not join in, and my eyes filled with tears...I want to do that!!!!!! I want to hop in the pool, without fearing anybody seeing me. I want to play with my kids in the water and feel comfortable! I want to share those moments of joy with them. Help them beat fear and learn to swim without being on the sidelines... :(

But I can't seem to stick with ANYTHING...and I know that my life pretty much depends on it.

I know......

So I cry.....

I will not be controlled by the SCALE! (I hope!)

Why do I always feel like I'm in a race against a clock in this weight loss journey??? UGH!
So stinkin' annoying! I feel like I don't lose fast enough and that I can't be "DONE already"!?!
Why am I not happy that I've gone down a size or two and that I'm losing inches all the time AND that I have a TON more energy to play with my kids, a healthier heart, a stronger body.... the list of great things goes on...but is it enough?

YES YES YES YES YES It's enough!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe if I scream it on a blog I'll get it into my head! My heart! My life!!!!!!!!!!

I've spend so many years being ruled by how fat I am and how high the numbers go on the scale and I've missed so much because of it. And I know that age old ANNOYING line "you didn't gain all the weight in a month so you shouldn't expect it to come off that fast" blah blah blah Really? Is that all you've got? Heard it so many times it means NOTHING now! NADA!

What I do know is that I have been on track and active for 11wks now! Week 12 starts on Friday! That's the LONGEST I've stuck with any plan for my health/weight loss EVER! I've gained so much more passion and strength seeing how hardwork, prayer and consistance are changing my body and my life! Even if the number on the scale is slow to move! (maybe I need a new one eh? LOL)

So today, the day before Weigh In, I am promising myself, regardless of how hard it may feel at times, to NOT be ruled by the # on the scale in the morning. To NOT be sad and depressed and feel like somehow by eating healthy and burning OVER 3800 calories by exercising, I've messed up. I've NOT messed up! I've add strength and stamina and lived so much more of life!

I've been fueling my body with great things and it's so much happier! My skin glows! My body hurts less! (fibromyalgia) My kids smile more and so does my husband. We've gone on family walks and have plans to have an entire morning OUTSIDE exercising and playing with our kids this weekend! I have the energy to do it! FINALLY! I will wear my Heart Rate Monitor and log my burn just for kicks! :) My husband has even been exercising a bit more this week. Amazing things are happening!

So, Dear Scale, you do NOT rule me any longer! I am winning at LIFE and you will conform in the end! I am certainly NOT gaining fat so BLAH on you! It's mathmatically impossible! I know exactly what I eat and what I burn and there is NO way I've eaten 3500cal more to gain ANYTHING so blah blah blah. Water retaining due to hormones and eating too much salt...ok. I own that one! Muscle's increasing, own it! But gaining fat...NOPE! :) I know 1000000% I did NOT! So I will move onward toward my goals, living and enjoying life REGARDLESS of what you say. You will LOSE and so will I! :)

The end!