:( UGH I sooo hate morbid obese nonsense!!!

THIS is 100 pounds of FAT

This is what I have ALL over my body...

x 1.5

Yup....

I could safely lose 150lbs and be a great weight.

WHAT????!?!?!?!?!?

Each one of those HUGE pigs weighs 150ish pounds!!

I am almost TWO of them!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!

I could safely lose almost 17 GALLONS of MILK!!!

(each weighing 9lbs last I knew)

How did I get like this and why the heck does it continue????

I hate that cycle! I'm depressed that I'm fat so...

I eat....getting FATTER...

which makes me more depressed that I'm fat so....

I eat...

SEE???? It's soooo horrible!

What slow depressing public death!

What a horrible loud screaming voice without words saying:

"I have NO idea how to use self control"

"I like food better than running with my kids"

"I'm LAZY"

I have issues!!!

My kids have been increasingly sad by my lack of ability to play on playground equipment. They don't outright say it, but their sad eyes do. The way my oldest child knows not to even ask mommy to go down the slide with him. :(

The other day, my self conscience fears stopped me from getting in a small family pool at my moms with JUST my family. I watched, while holding my baby who was my excuse at the time to not join in, and my eyes filled with tears...I want to do that!!!!!! I want to hop in the pool, without fearing anybody seeing me. I want to play with my kids in the water and feel comfortable! I want to share those moments of joy with them. Help them beat fear and learn to swim without being on the sidelines... :(

But I can't seem to stick with ANYTHING...and I know that my life pretty much depends on it.

I know......

So I cry.....

I will not be controlled by the SCALE! (I hope!)

Why do I always feel like I'm in a race against a clock in this weight loss journey??? UGH!
So stinkin' annoying! I feel like I don't lose fast enough and that I can't be "DONE already"!?!
Why am I not happy that I've gone down a size or two and that I'm losing inches all the time AND that I have a TON more energy to play with my kids, a healthier heart, a stronger body.... the list of great things goes on...but is it enough?

YES YES YES YES YES It's enough!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe if I scream it on a blog I'll get it into my head! My heart! My life!!!!!!!!!!

I've spend so many years being ruled by how fat I am and how high the numbers go on the scale and I've missed so much because of it. And I know that age old ANNOYING line "you didn't gain all the weight in a month so you shouldn't expect it to come off that fast" blah blah blah Really? Is that all you've got? Heard it so many times it means NOTHING now! NADA!

What I do know is that I have been on track and active for 11wks now! Week 12 starts on Friday! That's the LONGEST I've stuck with any plan for my health/weight loss EVER! I've gained so much more passion and strength seeing how hardwork, prayer and consistance are changing my body and my life! Even if the number on the scale is slow to move! (maybe I need a new one eh? LOL)

So today, the day before Weigh In, I am promising myself, regardless of how hard it may feel at times, to NOT be ruled by the # on the scale in the morning. To NOT be sad and depressed and feel like somehow by eating healthy and burning OVER 3800 calories by exercising, I've messed up. I've NOT messed up! I've add strength and stamina and lived so much more of life!

I've been fueling my body with great things and it's so much happier! My skin glows! My body hurts less! (fibromyalgia) My kids smile more and so does my husband. We've gone on family walks and have plans to have an entire morning OUTSIDE exercising and playing with our kids this weekend! I have the energy to do it! FINALLY! I will wear my Heart Rate Monitor and log my burn just for kicks! :) My husband has even been exercising a bit more this week. Amazing things are happening!

So, Dear Scale, you do NOT rule me any longer! I am winning at LIFE and you will conform in the end! I am certainly NOT gaining fat so BLAH on you! It's mathmatically impossible! I know exactly what I eat and what I burn and there is NO way I've eaten 3500cal more to gain ANYTHING so blah blah blah. Water retaining due to hormones and eating too much salt...ok. I own that one! Muscle's increasing, own it! But gaining fat...NOPE! :) I know 1000000% I did NOT! So I will move onward toward my goals, living and enjoying life REGARDLESS of what you say. You will LOSE and so will I! :)

The end!

Reward for Weight Loss (photo too) and update etc. :)

This "Fatty" Bought her first Weight Loss REWARD!

See:

Not the best photo of my necklace but it's what I've got at the moment! :)

I've been rocking "my plan" and seeing changes. I am TRYING to not be ruled by the numbers on the scale. TRYING is key there. It's soooo hard! Having been a fat girl for so long I feel as if I am almost defined by the weight I see on the scale. I've been trying to focus on my NSVs (non-scale victories) a lot more!

I started out not being able to squeeze into my 24s at all! I am now comfortable in my 22s AND I can get my 20s up ALL the way...I look forward to the day I can button them! :) And maybe even breathe in them!! MAYBE! Afterall, breathing in smaller pants isn't really important...right? LOL

My husband has been increasingly supportive. Not that he was ever unsupportive but he suffered from the "fear of saying wrong thing to emotional wife and regretting it more than if I say nothing at all" sickness! Example:

Saying "honey, you look like you've really lost some weight!" To Wife Ears "WOW you were so fat and now you've improved a bit" OR

"Sweetie, you look really good today" Equals "you never look this nice, you're normally in PJ's with baby vomit on your shoulder"

The list goes on! God Bless him for putting up with so much eh? He's been loving the curve and firm round feeling of my butt, and especially the look of it in jeans! (did I mention I'm almost back in my 20s??? LOL) He's been very encouraging with all the time I take to workout (1hour a day is my ideal) and he gladly takes care of all FOUR kids while I do it. He lets me buy special only for me foods and never complains. He is amazing! So much easier to do this with his support!

My race to 279 is still on with my Spark Friend Michele as well. :) We'll see!

I'm on week 11 and by the Grace of God I've not binged and had horrible issues with food since that day! AMAZING!

Onward I go....20's here I come!

WIDE LOAD and "my plan"

Ok Folks, I'm back! I love this photo (above) because it's my LIFE! Well, my life as a size ZERO but I digress. I am always beyond busy. If there were awards for multi tasker of the year I have no doubt moms would win EVERY time! (oh and to make the above photo more life like you'd have to add 3 more kids under my feet while I'm cooking/cleaning etc.) MAN! The calories I burn! I should be a zero by now! Ohhhhh wait....I EAT too much! DUH!!! :)

Or, at least I USED to eat too much!

I've been on Weight Watchers for about 9wks now. (God only knows how many times I've joined before, seems to always end with me getting pregnant) I have been logging my points on Sparkpeople to see where I fall on daily calorie intake. It's my hope to switch over to that once my prepaid WW time is up. I've been great sticking to the plan and working out. See some stats:

I eat on average 1600 calories a day
I burn about 2700-3000+ calories a week in exercise! (thank you heartrate monitor!)
I sweat like a HOG in the Arizona heat! (I don't live there but I hear it's HOT)
I drink AT least 72oz of water daily. Trying to get back up to 120+oz daily.
I pee a lot!
I take vitamins: cinnamon, 5HTP, One A Day, Fiber, Fish Oil
I PRAY a LOT!
I do NOT give up! (not this time!!!!)

So, that's my plan!

I try to limit the carbs I eat and the sugar as well. I get most my carbs from fruit and whole grains such as Steel Cut Oats! (love em!!!) And I use Stevia and other low GI natural sweeteners 9 times out of 10)

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I took some REALLY REAL ROLLY POLLY ICKY FAT PICS! I need them! I need to see what I'm really dealing with and not just the odd messed up strangely unreal image I see in the mirror. Photos have a way of shocking your brain back to real life. Take the one below for example, I knew my big ole butt was HUGE because of the big black and blue spots I get forcing it into most waiting room chairs, or how the chairs STICK TO MY BUTT when I try to get up. OH MY GOSH (I hate that!!!) BUT this photo......




Speaks for itself! WOW!!! WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE or what? Dear God HELP ME! (and you will see I highlighted the super annoying elbow fat for you as well!)

I should hold up a small object (or large for that matter) to give you an idea just what you're looking at! (maybe a YARD STICK) OH MY GOSH! EYE opener for sure! (I would like to add, that there is a HUGE ring of sweat from a great workout on this photo though!!!)


Tata for now!

Another day fightin' the fat! (and how do I post pics that don't all go to the top??)

Being a mom with 4 young kids, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, being a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister....is EXHAUSTING! Add to that the JOB of getting fit and I'm sooooo tired! Sincerely, tired! I am forcing myself to TAKE/MAKE time for me and it's really one of the hardest habits to learn. I know full well how to take care of my husband, children, friends, etc. But actually saying "ok, I'm going to go turn on my MP3 player and workout for the hour, please see daddy for help and questions" is VERY hard. I feel like a crappy mom taking time away from everything else just for me. But if I don't I look like this:

The good news is, the more I take/make ME TIME, the better I feel. Overall, not every day. But I have more energy, more passion, more zeal! I have more of life to live and to give! AMAZING! I am teaching my children how to live long healthy lives and to serve God at the same time. I am teaching them that miracles do happen...IE: I am not getting fatter!! LOL

The old me, was teaching them to sit, stuff food, watch tv, avoid a number of public settings, self hatred, how to get heart disease, how to...well you get the picture! I was 318lbs at my highest memorable weight. And being that I am only 5'5...that ain't right! Heck, I'd have to be 7ft tall to come close to making that look good!

A little more about who I am, I fight with fibromyalgia, chronic pain, TMJ, heel spurs and a list of other nonsense that being fat sure didn't help or has caused. My knees are down right angry with me because they've been carrying my stinkin' oversized back side for too many years. My heels think I'm stupid for asking so much of them, my back...oh my oh my I won't even go there.

BUT, it's all getting better! One prayer, one healthy choice at a time and I improve daily!

Do I always feel like I'm improving? uhhhh NO!!! But do I know, deep in my heart, that picking the apple over the french fries will improve my life...Yupper! I sure do! So I press on!

I am far from perfect, I will never have a perfect body or perfectly clean house, BUT I can WILL have peace knowing that I've been trying my best and living to the fullest!!! The rest, is just details!

The Beginning!

There are countless fat people just like me who think and feel so much and yet the general public has NO idea!

For example: What fat person do you know who actually likes to hear "oh you've got such a pretty face though" OR equally as annoying "you have such a great personality".

I mean REALLY people??!?! Come ON!

What that translates to in most fat minds (mine included) is "dang! the rest of you is HUGE but at least your face is tolerable" and "you'll forever be everybody's friend and never find love" blah blah blah blah.

Can you people who say those things step back and THINK for one hot minute? What do you mean when you say that? How do you think it's being received? Sincerely? Not out of habit or TRYING to be kind. Think at it from a cold hard fact standpoint.

And STOP saying it! GRRRRRR!

Now, the reason I am starting this blog. Well, I am fat and I have a pretty face! And I am soooooooo DONE with that bologna! I will work and work and pray and pray to get a body that matches or surpasses the pretty face that I have. I will have a nice body to go with my nice personality. I will be healthy and live a long life (God willing). This is my journey!

I will learn how to post photos and be VERY blunt! Maybe to the point of making people vomit by seeing fat rolls on my back or really opening somebody's eyes to the REAL struggle that food addiction is.

That's another thing. Society loves to complain about fat people (strange since most of our population is overweight) and they love to say things like "well they should just eat less and move more" blah blah blah on and on they go. BUT how many people really stop and think long enough to realize that FOOD ADDICTION is a huge problem for so many of us?

Just because drugs and alcohol have more obvious dangers that doesn't, or at least shouldn't, lessen the attention food addiction receives. It is killing fat people left and right and I hear ALL the time how much fat folks cost our nation. Well DUH!!!! It's a problem! It should be treated more seriously!

Not that all fat folks have a true addiction, there are some who are just lazy, some with medical issues to fight against, etc. But many of us, most of us I dare say, are addicted. Whether for comfort or joy or what have you...we run to food when others would run to the bar or drug dealer. It's REAL!

So, join me if you dare as I continue my journey to NO longer be the "fat girl with the pretty face" but to be the healthy, God fearing, engery filled mommy of 4 and wife of 1!

Comments and feedback are always welcome!

Here we go!