Seriously need HELP!?!?!? I hate being fat but....

I just can't seem to shake it! I stick with a plan a few days and do great and than POOF....
I fall and fall hard....

Hello binge my old enemy!! Oh you brought sugar with you? GREAT you two are my all time favorites.........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


I heard (and was reminded) that we get addicted to sugar like drug addicts get hooked on drugs. WOW that still amazes me! But it does fill a void and give a sort of "high" so it makes sense. And I HATE that is makes sense.

I have PCOS and a list of other freakin issues...my hair is getting thinner daily and I HATE IT! I have just about zero muscle tone left after my 3 back to back babies and I have NO energy.

I HATE IT!!

I know that wisdom, and lots of research, say that I should cut out ALL sugar and lower my carbs and EXERCISE....but I seem to be scared or something.....why?

Am I more scared to actually find the healthy me or scare to lose who I've been for my ENTIRE life? Scared to fail....again?

I should be more scared of dying young, going bald, never having another baby, leaving my babies behind when they need me, heart attacks, etc....but I seem to have a root issue that I've not yet figured out.

So...I wait...and stall and that's STUPID!

My house will be cleaned before monday and ALL UNPACKED and I will be working out! And I WILL get all my water in daily!

I will NOT be so afraid to live that I kill myself with my eating and lazy lifestyle! NOPE!!

Onward....

Oh yeah..I did it..and it felt GREAT!!!

This is NOT from today but a past workout where, if you look closely cause it's not the best shot and my child took it, you can see the SWEAT marks!! WOOHOOO I think I'll start taking photos of sweat every time!! :) I feel like I've done a good job burning fat when I have buckets of water on myself! :) WOOHOOO!

SO.....I worked out!! Yup...I did! For 65 minutes and my good ole heart rate monitor said 800 calories!! WOOHOOOO!

I felt GRRRRRRRRRRRREEAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT!

Ate great...even with PMS starting to rear it's UGLY self!!!!

Onward.... :)

WOW! And...HELP!?!?! I need to EXERCISE!?!?!

I did it!!!

I ate WELL today!

Yup..I did!

And I'm PROUD!!!

Now, just the rest of my life to go! :)

___________________________________________________________________

VENTING/QUESTIONS:

I seem to be afraid to EXERCISE!!! Not at all sure why...... ideas???

Is it because I feel like this lady above when I do???? Or fear I'll always look like her REGARDLESS?

Is it because I know it works? Am I one of those people who is afraid to be FIT and NOT fat??? The fear of the unknown sadly stops so many of us from reaching our dreams...

Is it because I really have NO TIME??? Afterall, I am sitting here typing this blog so how little time do I really have????? Hmmmm...never thought about that before!!?!?! UH OH!!!

I know night time isn't the best time to workout...but isn't it better than not working out? And the stupid fibromyalgia pain/joint pain etc...MAN does that make mornings hard...BUT wouldn't it make them better if I got up and did LIGHT exercise???? GRRRRR

I take care of 7 people ALL day...(counting myself). I homeschool the kids, cook, clean, teach, correct, love, nuture, play, cook, clean etc...most my days start at 7am and end at 1am. YIKES and in there I do NOT sleep well 90% of the time. (my husband doesn't get home from work till after 11:15pm most nights and try as I may...I can't seem to sleep when he's not here) And the kids get up early. There are days when the fibro pain is so bad my hubby lets me sleep in...GOD BLESS HIM!!! But most days...it's UP and at em!

I want to get up at 6 or ever sooner but to do that I have to get to sleep earlier! BUT I'm busy when the kids go to sleep. Grading, cleaning, detoxing from stress...and if I workout late...I can't get to sleep at night...ohhh and there is the baby...she's just starting to fuss to eat. Which is NEVER the same time every evening....

::::BIG SIGH:::::

I will do this!!!!

The end....

Ok...so....I'm doing well...and you know you're proud! :)

Today was day two in a row of working out! WOOHOOOO

I haven't done two days in a row in WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY tooooooo looooong!

I feel great knowing that I did it! I feel great knowing that I am working toward my goals!

I ate well...am finishing my 120+oz of water as I type. And all is well.

But...I am TIRED!

Some randomish thoughts from lately:

As I bust my big ole backside on the elliptical I have found that picturing myself going down a slide with my kids, running all over the playground equipment, chasing them, playing a REAL game of basketball...running and all! Not worrying about the pain in my saddlebag area when I am on a swing...or if the steel chain can hold me! Wearing adorable dresses once again for myself and my husband of course! Feeling confident sitting in chairs with arms! In BOOTHS!

I am excited to have some family Christmas Card photos that I am in this year! :) I may not be at "goal" by that time but I'll sure look better!

These things are keeping me going. I thought I'd write them down for looking back when needed!

Ahhhhh the journey of it all!

Oh and I lost 3.5lbs this week! :)

135.5 to go LOL

I will not be controlled by the SCALE! (I hope!)

Why do I always feel like I'm in a race against a clock in this weight loss journey??? UGH!
So stinkin' annoying! I feel like I don't lose fast enough and that I can't be "DONE already"!?!
Why am I not happy that I've gone down a size or two and that I'm losing inches all the time AND that I have a TON more energy to play with my kids, a healthier heart, a stronger body.... the list of great things goes on...but is it enough?

YES YES YES YES YES It's enough!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe if I scream it on a blog I'll get it into my head! My heart! My life!!!!!!!!!!

I've spend so many years being ruled by how fat I am and how high the numbers go on the scale and I've missed so much because of it. And I know that age old ANNOYING line "you didn't gain all the weight in a month so you shouldn't expect it to come off that fast" blah blah blah Really? Is that all you've got? Heard it so many times it means NOTHING now! NADA!

What I do know is that I have been on track and active for 11wks now! Week 12 starts on Friday! That's the LONGEST I've stuck with any plan for my health/weight loss EVER! I've gained so much more passion and strength seeing how hardwork, prayer and consistance are changing my body and my life! Even if the number on the scale is slow to move! (maybe I need a new one eh? LOL)

So today, the day before Weigh In, I am promising myself, regardless of how hard it may feel at times, to NOT be ruled by the # on the scale in the morning. To NOT be sad and depressed and feel like somehow by eating healthy and burning OVER 3800 calories by exercising, I've messed up. I've NOT messed up! I've add strength and stamina and lived so much more of life!

I've been fueling my body with great things and it's so much happier! My skin glows! My body hurts less! (fibromyalgia) My kids smile more and so does my husband. We've gone on family walks and have plans to have an entire morning OUTSIDE exercising and playing with our kids this weekend! I have the energy to do it! FINALLY! I will wear my Heart Rate Monitor and log my burn just for kicks! :) My husband has even been exercising a bit more this week. Amazing things are happening!

So, Dear Scale, you do NOT rule me any longer! I am winning at LIFE and you will conform in the end! I am certainly NOT gaining fat so BLAH on you! It's mathmatically impossible! I know exactly what I eat and what I burn and there is NO way I've eaten 3500cal more to gain ANYTHING so blah blah blah. Water retaining due to hormones and eating too much salt...ok. I own that one! Muscle's increasing, own it! But gaining fat...NOPE! :) I know 1000000% I did NOT! So I will move onward toward my goals, living and enjoying life REGARDLESS of what you say. You will LOSE and so will I! :)

The end!

Reward for Weight Loss (photo too) and update etc. :)

This "Fatty" Bought her first Weight Loss REWARD!

See:

Not the best photo of my necklace but it's what I've got at the moment! :)

I've been rocking "my plan" and seeing changes. I am TRYING to not be ruled by the numbers on the scale. TRYING is key there. It's soooo hard! Having been a fat girl for so long I feel as if I am almost defined by the weight I see on the scale. I've been trying to focus on my NSVs (non-scale victories) a lot more!

I started out not being able to squeeze into my 24s at all! I am now comfortable in my 22s AND I can get my 20s up ALL the way...I look forward to the day I can button them! :) And maybe even breathe in them!! MAYBE! Afterall, breathing in smaller pants isn't really important...right? LOL

My husband has been increasingly supportive. Not that he was ever unsupportive but he suffered from the "fear of saying wrong thing to emotional wife and regretting it more than if I say nothing at all" sickness! Example:

Saying "honey, you look like you've really lost some weight!" To Wife Ears "WOW you were so fat and now you've improved a bit" OR

"Sweetie, you look really good today" Equals "you never look this nice, you're normally in PJ's with baby vomit on your shoulder"

The list goes on! God Bless him for putting up with so much eh? He's been loving the curve and firm round feeling of my butt, and especially the look of it in jeans! (did I mention I'm almost back in my 20s??? LOL) He's been very encouraging with all the time I take to workout (1hour a day is my ideal) and he gladly takes care of all FOUR kids while I do it. He lets me buy special only for me foods and never complains. He is amazing! So much easier to do this with his support!

My race to 279 is still on with my Spark Friend Michele as well. :) We'll see!

I'm on week 11 and by the Grace of God I've not binged and had horrible issues with food since that day! AMAZING!

Onward I go....20's here I come!

WEIGH IN and Pictures to help VISUALIZE :)

WEIGH IN #10

I lost 2 POUNDS!!!

Which is 8 Sticks of BUTTER!!!

See:

I'm quite content with that!


It beats getting fatter!

Speaking of getting fatter, I found some photos to show other amounts of fat and O-M-G it's DISGUSTING!!! (to date, since Jan.1st 2010, I've lost 21.5lbs) Wanna see??

Now, as proud and happy as I am that I no longer have THAT on my body, around my heart, squeezing my organs, etc. I still have to lose 100+lbs....see?

GROSS

I'm learning not to dispise small steps that lead to large rewards! I could have weight loss surgery and lose faster BUT I wouldn't be learning so much AND I'd likely have to lose a gall bladder etc. (I am not against WLS but it's not for me right now) I've set aside this year, God willing, to seriously attack the fat on my body with ALL I have in me. Should I fail, which is NOT an option, I will look into surgery. This fat is killing me so I'm kicking it out!

NSV aka "Non-Scale Victories" have been really fun lately!
-My size 24's are all getting way too big!
-ALL my 22's fit GREAT!
-MY 20's are up and should be buttoned in 10lbs or so.
-My wedding rings are now able to get past my knuckle and ALMOST on! (huge goal for me is to wear them by my anniversary in July)
Etc.

So onward I go!

OH OH OH OH

Can't forget to make an annoucement

that I have not only reached my first 20lbs lost

goal this week but blew by it with 21.5 total lost so far!

WOOOOOHOOOOOO!

I'm buying a necklace!

My reward chart (that I made) says so!

Next goal is to beat a buddy to 279 AND

to get my 10% reward! (273.6 I think)

YIPPPEEE!!!!

To GOD be the GLORY! I couldn't do this without HIM!!!

Another day fightin' the fat! (and how do I post pics that don't all go to the top??)

Being a mom with 4 young kids, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, being a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister....is EXHAUSTING! Add to that the JOB of getting fit and I'm sooooo tired! Sincerely, tired! I am forcing myself to TAKE/MAKE time for me and it's really one of the hardest habits to learn. I know full well how to take care of my husband, children, friends, etc. But actually saying "ok, I'm going to go turn on my MP3 player and workout for the hour, please see daddy for help and questions" is VERY hard. I feel like a crappy mom taking time away from everything else just for me. But if I don't I look like this:

The good news is, the more I take/make ME TIME, the better I feel. Overall, not every day. But I have more energy, more passion, more zeal! I have more of life to live and to give! AMAZING! I am teaching my children how to live long healthy lives and to serve God at the same time. I am teaching them that miracles do happen...IE: I am not getting fatter!! LOL

The old me, was teaching them to sit, stuff food, watch tv, avoid a number of public settings, self hatred, how to get heart disease, how to...well you get the picture! I was 318lbs at my highest memorable weight. And being that I am only 5'5...that ain't right! Heck, I'd have to be 7ft tall to come close to making that look good!

A little more about who I am, I fight with fibromyalgia, chronic pain, TMJ, heel spurs and a list of other nonsense that being fat sure didn't help or has caused. My knees are down right angry with me because they've been carrying my stinkin' oversized back side for too many years. My heels think I'm stupid for asking so much of them, my back...oh my oh my I won't even go there.

BUT, it's all getting better! One prayer, one healthy choice at a time and I improve daily!

Do I always feel like I'm improving? uhhhh NO!!! But do I know, deep in my heart, that picking the apple over the french fries will improve my life...Yupper! I sure do! So I press on!

I am far from perfect, I will never have a perfect body or perfectly clean house, BUT I can WILL have peace knowing that I've been trying my best and living to the fullest!!! The rest, is just details!

The Beginning!

There are countless fat people just like me who think and feel so much and yet the general public has NO idea!

For example: What fat person do you know who actually likes to hear "oh you've got such a pretty face though" OR equally as annoying "you have such a great personality".

I mean REALLY people??!?! Come ON!

What that translates to in most fat minds (mine included) is "dang! the rest of you is HUGE but at least your face is tolerable" and "you'll forever be everybody's friend and never find love" blah blah blah blah.

Can you people who say those things step back and THINK for one hot minute? What do you mean when you say that? How do you think it's being received? Sincerely? Not out of habit or TRYING to be kind. Think at it from a cold hard fact standpoint.

And STOP saying it! GRRRRRR!

Now, the reason I am starting this blog. Well, I am fat and I have a pretty face! And I am soooooooo DONE with that bologna! I will work and work and pray and pray to get a body that matches or surpasses the pretty face that I have. I will have a nice body to go with my nice personality. I will be healthy and live a long life (God willing). This is my journey!

I will learn how to post photos and be VERY blunt! Maybe to the point of making people vomit by seeing fat rolls on my back or really opening somebody's eyes to the REAL struggle that food addiction is.

That's another thing. Society loves to complain about fat people (strange since most of our population is overweight) and they love to say things like "well they should just eat less and move more" blah blah blah on and on they go. BUT how many people really stop and think long enough to realize that FOOD ADDICTION is a huge problem for so many of us?

Just because drugs and alcohol have more obvious dangers that doesn't, or at least shouldn't, lessen the attention food addiction receives. It is killing fat people left and right and I hear ALL the time how much fat folks cost our nation. Well DUH!!!! It's a problem! It should be treated more seriously!

Not that all fat folks have a true addiction, there are some who are just lazy, some with medical issues to fight against, etc. But many of us, most of us I dare say, are addicted. Whether for comfort or joy or what have you...we run to food when others would run to the bar or drug dealer. It's REAL!

So, join me if you dare as I continue my journey to NO longer be the "fat girl with the pretty face" but to be the healthy, God fearing, engery filled mommy of 4 and wife of 1!

Comments and feedback are always welcome!

Here we go!